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EM: All right. So, today is Monday, October 9th, 2023. EM: My name is Emily Ma, and I'm here today with Wanqi Yuan on behalf of the Houston Asian EM: American Archive at Rice. EM: Just as a disclaimer, this is not a traditional oral history interview.

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EM: It is part of my independent HAAA project on Chinese American immigrant parents' love EM: towards their children. EM: So, Wanqi, could you please state your full name and then where and when–where and when EM: you were born?

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WY: Wanqi Yuan. WY: And I was born in Shenzhen, China, on September 30th, WY: 2001. EM: And can you kind of describe the household that you grew up in, especially, like, your

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EM: dynamic with your parents? WY: Yeah. So from the ages of, like, WY: birth to four-ish years old, I actually lived in WY: Shenzhen, China, with just my mom.

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WY: My dad was over in the States in New York working. WY: So, like, the first couple years of my life, I was just raised by my mom. WY: I actually didn't meet my dad until I was like, almost a year old, though I, like, have WY: no memory of this point in my life.

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WY: But I lived with my mom, and my mom lived with my dad's side of the WY: family. So, we were in, like, this building that WY: had like three floors and my grandparents lived on the first WY: floor. My uncle and his family lived on the third floor.

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WY: We lived on the second floor. WY: And my other uncle and his family lived in the house, like, literally five WY: feet away from us. WY: So that was, like, how it was up until then.

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And then when I was around five years old, I immigrated to the United States with my mom to be with my dad. And we moved to Orlando, Florida, and that was where I basically grew up from the ages of 5 to 18, until I went to college.

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And in terms of dynamic, my parents worked a lot when I was younger. They still do. They work in, like, the restaurant industry. My dad, like, cooks at a, like, your traditional—not traditional, like, your

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typical Chinese American, like, food restaurant. My mom worked as a waitress at a couple different establishments throughout the years. So, because they were working those jobs, it's, like, very long, late hours.

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So, when I was younger, I would be watched by family friends, and then once I got old enough, I would just, like, kind of take care of myself. So, because they worked a lot, I became very independent at a very young age and kind of raised myself in some ways.

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But that was basically like the dynamic of the household, I would say. EM: Oh, I think I can definitely sense, like, that independence in you now. EM: Like, I can see where that came from. EM: [WY: Yeah.] But yeah, so, like, how often did you interact with your parents?

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EM: Like, I know you said they worked pretty long hours. EM: Was it, like, more in the morning than the night? WY: I would, like—it probably depended on WY: what point in my childhood, like, maybe earlier when I was, like, in elementary

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WY: school and not really capable of looking after myself. WY: My—I would, like, obviously see them in the morning when they took me to school. WY: They—I was a part of, like, extended day, which I don—I'm assuming that's, like, a WY: thing in most school districts.

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WY: But at least in Orlando, it's like a thing where if you're, like, a WY: parent and you can't pick your child up when the school day ends, you, like, have—there's WY: like counselors who work to, like, watch the kids after school until, like, you can pick WY: them up. But it's, like, it obviously stops at a certain time.

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WY: They would pick me up after extended day, take me home and, like, take care of me from WY: there. Once I got to, like, middle school, I would take the bus home and just kind of take care of myself from that point on.

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I learned how to cook for myself pretty young. Also, Chinese dishes are very reheatable and very good when they're reheated, so that wasn't too much of an issue. And then once I got to high school, I was like, pretty, pretty self-sufficient.

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I would really only see them, like, in the mornings and at nights because I would have like a lot of after-school extracurriculars . So, late—like, now that I think about it, a lot of the bonding, I would say, that I had with my parents happened, like, late at night.

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And I think that's also partially because the three of us are quite night owls to this day. Like, even when I go home for break and, like, maybe during break, I don't have responsibilities or a schedule.

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And even on days where they are off, we just kind of, like, keep up very late because that's kind of the habits we've built–we've built over the last however many years. EM: And when you stay up late with your parents, do you guys talk or, like, how do you

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EM: interact? WY: We eat. WY: Sometimes we talk. WY: We—it's usually about, like, random

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WY: stuff. When I was like, when I was living at home, it was a lot about, like, school WY: things. Like, "What do you have going on?" I would ask my parents about, like, "How was WY: work?," things like that. WY: My mom would tell me very—sometimes bad stories, sometimes funny

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WY: stories about, like, the customers she would interact with. WY: My dad is a man of few words, so he would just kind of sit there and listen and–and WY: then peel his peanut shells and eat his peanuts and just listen [laughs]. WY: But that was that.

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And then, like, now that we're, like, older, I think, like, some time around the time of, like–like high school, my mom started getting really philosophical with me. And so that's a lot of our late-night conversations with her, like, trying to instill her wisdom onto me.

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A lot of the time, it's also her, like, showing me clothes she likes. But if there's, like, one activity that we'll do, and really the only activity we do to bond, it's playing cards. It's always been, like, me and my parents' thing.

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And we'll always, like, bet something on it. Like, whoever loses has to do the dishes after dinner. Something like that. EM: And so there are stakes involved.

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WY: So there were stakes involved. WY: But more time—more often than not, I think my dad would just end up doing the dishes WY: anyway [laughs]. EM: So, what would you describe as your happiest moments with your

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EM: parents? Like, are there any specific memories, like either, like, the late night, EM: kind of like, card playing or any specific memories? WY: I would confidently say the late night card playing are the happiest WY: moments I have with my parents.

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WY: Like, we don't talk deeply very often. WY: And so. WY: ..and I think because the three of us are quite stubborn people, WY: we get into arguments quite easily when we start talking about things that are of higher

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WY: stakes. So, some of my happiest and most carefree moments are those WY: where we're playing cards and like we're either, like, doing hotpot at the dinner WY: table or like K-barbecue at the dinner table. EM: And I'm also curious because it seems like your mom and your dad express love

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EM: towards you kind of differently. Like you said, your dad is kind of of few words. EM: So, how does he, like, show you that he loves you? WY: My dad shows me he loves me by, I think, WY: very traditionally Chine—or at least in my head, traditionally Chinese

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WY: dad things. So, like, the cut fruit—wow, they really both go ham with WY: the cut fruit. WY: One of the ones that I think I wasn't cognizant of WY: until like maybe the latter portion of high school was he—my ma—my dad worked

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WY: really long hours, like 12-hour days, and he would WY: get home pretty late at night, like 10 something, 11 something. But he would always be willing to, like, pick something up for me on the way home. Like, I think I've heard stories about, like, parents getting upset because their, like,

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kid asked for something super last minute for school or, like, at a point, like, at a time where like, it wasn't convenient for them. My dad has never complained about, like, "Dad, I ran out of toothbrushes. Can you go to Walmart to get me a toothbrush?" "Dad, I really want ice cream.

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Can you go to Walmart and pick up some ice cream on your way home?" Like, that's–that's like the way he shows love. The way my dad and I would bond, like, independent of my mom was when I was, like, around the ages of, like, middle school, high school.

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There was a period of time where my mom and dad's schedule were very set and my dad always had like the first half of Sunday off. And so I was home, like not at school, too. So, that would be our day to, like, eat fast food because my mom didn't like it when we

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would eat fast food. So, our Sunday morning, like, afternoon, like it was either like McDonald's or Subway was me and my dad's way of, like, bonding. It's, like, our time to shine because Mom's not home.

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That's how my dad shows love. Like, stereotypical acts of service. EM: Yeah, I think that's pretty common or shared among like other Asian American EM: families because [WY: I think so.] yeah, my dad is definitely similar.

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WY: Yeah. Or oh, the other one where it's, like, you mentioned, you WY: like this thing. WY: Like, you mentioned that you enjoy this one thing to, like, a mild degree and WY: that's all they'll talk about for weeks or, like, that's what they'll start buying in

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WY: bulk. And it's, like, they really just take it to the extreme. EM: I know, my dad too. Like, sometimes I'll mention something and it's, like, ages ago, EM: I'll mention something, and he still remembers it and he's just like— WY: Yeah, yeah, it's–it's crazy.

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WY: And I'm like, "No, Dad, I haven't liked that since I was like 14." But [laughs] WY: yeah. EM: In terms of just like emotions in general, how comfortable do you feel like, your EM: parents are, like, expressing emotions in front of you?

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EM: And this doesn't have to only be love. EM: It can be, like, sadness, like, happiness even. WY: My mom a lot more than my dad. WY: My dad, I don't think I've ever seen

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WY: him—like he does express emotion, like he'll express WY: happiness, like, he'll express WY: anger. Sadness is an emotion that I have—I truly WY: don't know if I've ever seen my dad, like, visibly sad.

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WY: Visibly upset, visibly angry, not sad. WY: Mom is definitely a lot more expressive with her emotions. WY: I think she always has been, but I wouldn't say WY: she's always been expressive of her love.

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WY: Just of her emotions, if that makes sense. EM: Yeah, that makes sense. I think love and sadness are more vulnerable emotions. EM: Like, I think it's a lot easier to feel angry because it's kind of, like, a strong EM: emotion.

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WY: Yeah. My therapist says that anger is almost never a primary WY: emotion, that it's almost always like the cover-up and there's always another WY: emotion hidden behind the anger. WY: But anger is just the easier one to express a lot of the time.

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EM: Yes. I think that is very true. [WY: Mhm.] Has the way that your parents express EM: love to you ever impacted how you express love to other people? WY: Yeah, for sure. WY: I think, like–like the five love languages test is like a

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WY: big topic now. WY: It's something I learned about a long time ago. WY: I, like, took the test myself. WY: I wasn't shocked to find out that my primary love language is acts of service, because I

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WY: think that's very much the only way WY: I was showed love by my parents growing up. WY: Like, if I think about it, we were not physically intimate. WY: We were—like, oh my God, I—like, up until I left

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WY: for college, I could count on one hand the number of times my parents hugged me. WY: But like, it started only being, like, when I got home from college or when I was leaving. WY: Like, every time I visited for break and, like, was leaving after a break. WY: So, like, physical touch was not a thing.

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Quality time was just–it was just not possible with, like, their work schedules. Words of affirmation, good luck with that, in, like, an immigrant Chinese household. And gift giving, we did not have a lot of money

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growing up, so that was also just not an option on the table. Though I will say, oddly enough, now that we're doing, like, they're doing a little bit better financially because they've, like, moved up in management a little bit in their establishments, and also they're—I'm fully financially

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independent of my parents, like, they no longer have the costs of raising a child, I would say gift giving is now probably their second most, like, their second go-to love language. But-but yeah, I was saying that my primary love language is acts of service because

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that's the way that I was shown love growing up. So it's the-the way I like to receive love the most. It's also my most instinctual way to show love to other people, but I try to be very cognizant of knowing what my loved ones' acts

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of—love languages are, for, like, how they want to receive love, so I can make an active effort to show them love in that way. And I think that's an important thing to do, both with, like, romantic partners and also, like, platonic friends.

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EM: Yeah, I think it's really sweet. EM: Like, growing up, like, did you ever see, like, your Western EM: friends receiving more, like, physical affection with their parents and like, EM: kind of seeing that differ, like, with the dynamic between you and your parents?

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WY: Yeah, for sure. WY: I—my—I WY: would say throughout elementary and middle school, I didn't have like a steady group of WY: friends in, like, the traditional sense.

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WY: I maybe, like, got a more close-knit group of friends in high WY: school. And the interesting part is we were, like, quite diverse. WY: It was like me, someone who was Korean American, WY: someone who was Black Canadian, a Cuban American,

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WY: Dominican American. WY: So, in the Dominican and WY: Cuban cultures, at least in the way that I was–I was seeing it through my WY: friends' households, and those were the main ways and only ways I was shown it, it was

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WY: very physically–very physically intimate, very touchy WY: . With my best friend right now, Ana, she is Puerto Rican and she tells me all the time, like, it's just, it's so normal in that culture to just be so

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touchy with people. Not just people you're close with, just like, generally. But with—even my Korean American friend, she was quite physically intimate with her parents, more than, like, I would think, in hindsight, because she was

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Korean American. I don't know if that's necessarily part of like standard Korean culture or maybe it was just her family in particular. But yeah, that was something I definitely noticed, but I wouldn't say it really

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bothered me at all. EM: And would you say like acts of service is also the way that you express love towards EM: your parents? WY: Yes. Yeah.

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WY: Like when I'm back home, WY: I—because we immigrated to the States when I was so young, I was able to WY: learn English at a quite rapid pace. WY: Just when you're so young, you pick those things up so much easier, or more

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WY: easily. And so, I started translating for my parents WY: for kind of important household things from a very young age. WY: And to this day, their English isn't great. WY: They've, they're—it's definitely sufficient in order to get them through

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WY: everyday life and what they need. But I accompany them to all doctor's appointments still, like we make sure to schedule them during, like, my breaks. I, like, help them with insurance stuff, with bills and stuff.

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Like, anything that requires translation, that like—and I'll still do it, like, virtually, like, they'll send me something they don't understand and I'll do it. One thing I'll do for my mom is, like now that online shopping is more of a big thing than, like, in-person shopping, when she sees something online that

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she'll like, like I'll go through, like, I'll help her buy it. Or like, if she doesn't end up liking it, I go through the return process with her, things like that. So, like, acts of service for sure. EM: Yeah, I think you s—like, one way that you put it previously was kind of like you felt

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EM: like a parent, almost, to your parents. WY: Yeah. I think that's WY: just—I'm sure, like, it definitely WY: wasn't an intended consequence, but it was a consequence nonetheless of just moving to

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WY: the States at such a young age, being an only child. WY: So, I didn't even—and I would call it a burden. WY: Like, in hindsight, I couldn't share that burden with any siblings being an only WY: child. So, I've heard—I think my case in particular,

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WY: too, because I'm an only child, because I was so young and I was WY: just thrown into it so quickly. WY: I had to—I was–I was dealing with things like insurance and bills at, like, the age WY: of seven years old, which I didn't really have a full grasp of–of, like,

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WY: what insurance was. WY: But I could read the English better than my parents could. WY: And that's, like, part of being a parent to your parents is, like, I had to accompany WY: them to their doctor's appointments.

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WY: I, when we were in the grocery store and we couldn't find something, I had to go WY: ask, like, the sales clerk. But another thing too is a while ago I saw this—I think it was, like, a TikTok video of this girl explaining that another way that immigrant

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children are parents to their parents is because they don't grow up in the society, they're kind of develop—they have their own view of the world based on the culture they grew up in, back in the motherland. They don't, I think, have the most comprehensive grasp of American culture.

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So, sometimes when you encounter things like very subtle racism, like, when I was growing up, they don't see it. And they don't pick up on it because they don't have that sense for, like, what is—what feels right and wrong in the culture.

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Like, to them it can feel, like, harmless, or to them it can feel, like, whatever. But, you know, like, as a child, as someone who understands American culture, that that was meant as an insult and that that was meant as, like, an expression of hate.

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So, there's, like, that part of it where you feel like, you know more about the world than them, even though you're at such a young age, but also kind of a need to protect them from it. Like, you just—you don't want—like, immigrant parents are already struggling so much by, like, inserting themselves in a situation

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that is truly so uncomfortable and requires so much sacrifice. So, as a child, you feel the burden of protecting them from that as much as possible, right? Doing your best to make their life easier, which is what a parent is usually responsible for.

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EM: Yeah, like I—yeah, just again, I mean, like, knowing you now, I feel like it's EM: so illuminating to see where this independence came from EM: . But yeah, it does–it does seem like a very big burden for a child to carry at EM: such a young age.

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WY: Yeah, it–it–it is. WY: I don't really believe in regretting things like that. WY: I think I am the person I am now because of it. WY: I'm very proud of the person I am because of it.

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WY: And yeah, like, I wouldn't–I wouldn't change it. WY: It's–it's—I don't hope to pass that burden on to my WY: child, but I don't, like, regret it or—yeah, I don't regret WY: it. Not that I could have.

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WY: I didn't really make—I didn't really have a say when I was four years old, like four or WY: five years old, moving here. EM: Just like, kind of similarly, what is your biggest hope or wish for your EM: parents?

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WY: Oh, God. WY: What is my biggest hope or wish for my parents? WY: I think. WY: ..oh, I really, I think it's

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WY: also because I just—I was on my period, so I'm a little emotional. WY: I'm not usually a crier. WY: But I really hope that at some point WY: in the future, I will have been successful enough to

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WY: where they can live, like, a life of ease because they've never lived a life of WY: ease. And they've sacrificed a lot to provide WY: me as much ease as possible. WY: And I would argue that that can only be successful to a certain

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WY: extent, like starting from where they were. WY: So, they've never—neither of my parents have ever been at a point in their life where WY: they, like, have gotten to relax. WY: And so my hope for them is that at one point in the future they reach

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WY: a point of enough financial stability and enough, WY: like, physical, emotional, mental stability to WY: feel at ease and at peace. WY: That's my hope.

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EM: I think that's a–that's a very powerful hope and it really shows how much you love your EM: parents so much. WY: I gotta call them tonight. EM: Oh, yeah. [WY laughs] Yeah.

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EM: So, on a similar vein and, like, you don't need EM: to answer if you don't feel comfortable, but if your parents were to see this interview in EM: the future, like maybe, like, five, ten years down the road, what is the message EM: that you would want to tell them, just like, through this video or through this audio?

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WY: That I'm really proud to be their daughter. WY: I think...we have a lot of challenges in our relationships. WY: For a variety of reasons, a lot of which are out of any of WY: our controls.

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WY: But if there's one thing I would want them to know is that, like, WY: I am truly so proud to be their daughter because—and WY: this–and this can seem very egotistical, but I'm going to say it anyway. WY: I think I'm a great person.

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WY: I'm very proud of the person I am and a lot of that, and I think the majority of WY: that has to do with the way my parents raised me and with the values WY: that they instilled in me. WY: So, regardless of any struggle or, like, conflict

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WY: we have, I'll always be grateful for them having raised me as well as they WY: did, especially under the circumstances that they did. EM: I second that. EM: And yeah, I just—I know they're proud of you.

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EM: And yeah, I hope that they know that you're also proud of them or proud to be their EM: daughter as well. WY: Yeah. These are the kinds of things that, like, you don't really say WY: to, like, immigrant parents because I know exactly how they would

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WY: re—like, if they were to watch, like, in–in theory, if they were to watch the video. WY: I truly could not tell you what their reaction would be, like, if they would get WY: emotional at it. If I were to say it in person, they would freeze. WY: I just, I know that's how they would react, which is kind of funny to think about.

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EM: Yeah, because I was talking to my parents yesterday and, like, with my dad, I think EM: that was the first time we'd actually, like, [WY: Talked?] emotionally talked in a while. EM: Like, not emotionally, but like, about emotional things. EM: [WY: Yeah.] Yeah.

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EM: Kind of shifting gears towards more, like, misunderstandings EM: or conflicts. EM: [WY: Yeah.] I mean, like, just to start off, did your parents ever talk to you EM: about their experiences immigrating to the US or any, like, initial hardships that they

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EM: endured? WY: Yeah, they did. WY: I-I don't even know if, like, they had to because I was WY: just really hyper-aware of it at such a young age.

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WY: Like, I feel, like my—their-their WY: vivid memories started when we moved to the US. WY: And I think it's because truly, I was so aware, WY: even at such a young age, of the difficult position we were in, both

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WY: financially and also culturally, with not having WY: a community in the States the way we did back in WY: China. WY: And—so, I don't ev—I don't think they ever had to

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WY: explain it to me because I always knew. WY: And we would talk about it, but not really in like an WY: emotional, reflective, like, "How did that make you feel? WY: How did that affect you?" sense.

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WY: More so of like a matter-of-fact, like, "Oh, remember when this was the circumstance of WY: our life," kind of way. EM: And then about the hyper-aware thing, like just being hyper-aware of other people's, EM: like, subtle racism.

00:26:24.310 - 00:26:40.920

EM: Do you recall any specific moments? WY: Oh, WY: God...Maybe WY: my brain has done me a favor of, like, blocking them out, but I

00:26:40.920 - 00:27:01.120

WY: don't know if I can even recall like, the super specific ones. WY: I think it's just, like, really weird looks in WY: grocery stores, in restaurants. WY: Teach—oh, my God, like, and this is and

00:27:01.120 - 00:27:17.410

WY: I know–know this was coming from like, not a malicious place at all. WY: But when I was in elementary school and we had peacher tarent, WY: peacher—oh my God, I can't speak—parent-teacher conferences WY: and I would translate for them.

00:27:17.410 - 00:27:36.800

And I don't know, even at such a young age, I felt a certain air of condescen–condescending energy from some of my teachers to where it was this fascination that my English was so good and that I was doing so well.

00:27:37.470 - 00:27:56.530

I guess maybe despite like, my cultural circumstance. And a way of speaking to my parents not fully as adults because they couldn't speak English.

00:27:56.550 - 00:28:13.230

I think that's, like, the—something I remember more vividly. Like, in addition to all the general, like, looks and glances and, like, maybe comments about, like, "Hurry up," like we're taking a long time because we're translating, whatever, that we'd get from strangers.

00:28:17.190 - 00:28:29.760

EM: Yeah. Were you like, were all of the parent-teacher conferences with the kid there EM: or were you there, like, just to translate? WY: No, usually it's not supposed to be with the kids. WY: It's usually just supposed to be the parent and the teacher.

00:28:30.060 - 00:28:44.230

WY: Because God forbid, if I had issues, my teacher would have to tell me that. WY: And then I would have to relay it to my p—they would have to hope that I'm not lying WY: when I'm relaying it to my parents. WY: But I will pat myself on the shoulder, I was quite a well-behaved

00:28:44.730 - 00:28:58.260

WY: kid in school at least. WY: I can't say that I was quite as obedient at— I, WY: in my personal opinion, in hindsight, I still think I was a very well-behaved kid in WY: the grand scheme of things.

00:28:58.260 - 00:29:15.690

WY: I think all Chinese parents just have a very high caliber of, like, what the WY: perfect child is, and that's one with little to no opinions WY: and very high obedience levels, which as a very WY: stubborn and assertive person, I always struggled with.

00:29:15.690 - 00:29:31.030

WY: But yeah, I would only sit in because my parents couldn't speak English and WY: I had to translate for them. EM: I see. Yeah, because I was thinking back to, like, my own parent-teacher conferences and EM: I don't remember, like, having to sit in with them.

00:29:31.370 - 00:29:44.380

WY: Yeah, that was just me. EM: Like, in terms of your parents, do you recall any specific EM: arguments you've had with them? EM: Like, either about—a lot?

00:29:45.190 - 00:29:53.590

WY: So many. EM: Oh. Oh, no. WY: So many. WY: I think it was just like, when I was y ounger,

00:29:57.260 - 00:30:13.970

WY: I think it came from a place of like, what my parents WY: considered disobedience, I would consider having an opinion. WY: And to this day, I still think that. WY: So, arguments would stem from my questioning their authority,

00:30:13.970 - 00:30:30.620

WY: essentially. And—but that, I WY: think, lessened with age, as I got to like, my late WY: teens. They saw me a little bit more as my own person, WY: which was crazy, but that lessened up, I think.

00:30:33.800 - 00:30:52.460

WY: A lot of the arguments I had were mostly with my mom WY: because we're both very stubborn, assertive people. WY: She said I would give her attitude a lot, which, WY: maybe I did, but I think one of the issues I had—one

00:30:53.690 - 00:31:07.100

WY: of the overarching issues I had in my household was it felt like I wasn't allowed WY: to be anything but content. Like, if I was anything other than content, I would be reprimanded for that.

00:31:07.400 - 00:31:26.600

And, e—and I would say even at a younger age, I was, I would question–I would question that notion and think, "Why is it not okay to not be in a good mood?" And, like, being older now, I know it's okay to not be in a good mood

00:31:26.600 - 00:31:44.060

and even when I would express that, in my opinion, in a quite mature way, express that just, "I'm not in a good mood right now. I really would rather not talk because if we are going to talk, I'm gonna say something that you're not going to like and I don't think it's gonna benefit."

00:31:44.060 - 00:31:59.870

But that would go into an argument of like, "Why aren't you in a good mood? Why can't you just smile more?" Or things like that. So, I think that had a lot to do with our arguments when I was living back home.

00:32:02.110 - 00:32:17.210

EM: Yeah, I think that might connect to, like, the idea of filial piety. EM: Maybe, like, I'm not an expert in it, [WY: Yes.] but it might just be like, because, EM: like, children are supposed to have these roles to fulfill, and EM: then [WY: Yeah.] parents are supposed to have these roles to fulfill.

00:32:17.240 - 00:32:34.160

EM: But then, like, I think one thing my dad mentioned was, EM: like, the parents' roles, it doesn't include showing love to the child. EM: It's more just like roles to fulfill. EM: Yeah, I guess for the child, maybe one role is like gratitude towards the parents.

00:32:34.160 - 00:32:52.860

EM: So, I think that's just like a very traditional mindset. WY: I agree. I think it's—there's an air of obedience WY: required for filial piety that, whether my parents WY: were consciously aware of it or not, was always a set

00:32:52.860 - 00:33:08.310

WY: expectation. And I think the issue I had was, I couldn't understand WY: why being grateful and WY: not being expressively happy had to be mutually exclusive. WY: Because I still don't think they do.

00:33:08.310 - 00:33:26.870

WY: I can be in a consistent state of gratefulness and still just not want WY: to engage with you at the moment for whatever reason, right? WY: So, yeah, for sure. EM: So my last question would be, how do you feel like your

00:33:26.870 - 00:33:44.430

EM: relationship with your parents has evolved through time? WY: I have gotten a better understanding of where my personal WY: boundaries are with my parents and the best way to maintain a net positive WY: relationship with them.

00:33:45.000 - 00:34:02.560

WY: I...I WY: would say I have a good relationship with my parents, but I would also say I have a very WY: surface-level relationship with my parents. WY: Reason being, my dad just does not like to talk about emotion.

00:34:02.590 - 00:34:18.370

WY: He doesn't do it well and therefore he just doesn't do it. WY: And it's something I realized a long time ago and have respected and WY: it's just–it's just like the reality of the situation. WY: My mom is a lot more expressive of her emotions, but that's actually kind of taken,

00:34:18.370 - 00:34:35.390

WY: like, a hindrance to me in the opposite way, where WY: as I got older, my mom started almost using me as a WY: therapist in a very unhealthy way where she would relay a lot of her WY: own burden onto me.

00:34:35.410 - 00:34:51.190

I think in a similar way—I think using "therapist" communicates what I mean very well, but kind of like the way you do a friend, right? There's someone you see on the same level as you, so you can feel good talking to them about your issues.

00:34:51.190 - 00:35:06.270

But it was getting to a point where it would hinder my mental health because the things she would complain about were like my father, right? Like, and the struggles in their marriage. And I didn't realize at the time when I was younger that that wasn't appropriate.

00:35:06.270 - 00:35:19.590

I do now. I–I–I have in like the last couple of years, I realized that that is not my responsibility to listen to it. It does not do well for me mentally because regardless

00:35:20.130 - 00:35:37.140

of whether I agree or not with, like, the complaint she has, it's still my father. I have my own independent relationship with him that I've learned to manage. And, so yeah, like I didn't want to be treated as a friend and that's almost like how she was treating me, was as a friend.

00:35:37.140 - 00:35:50.630

And so, I had to put boundaries in place. And I would communicate very directly, being—e-explaining exactly what I am now, which is, "Mom, I'm not your friend.

00:35:50.660 - 00:36:03.890

I love–I love you and I care about "—actually, I didn't say "I love you" because that's not something we do. But it's like, "I care about you. But this is not something that I can handle." And the issue is, she would, like, take it.

00:36:03.890 - 00:36:16.040

She would be like, "Oh, yes, of course. I'm sorry." But then it would, like, start happening again. So now, I've just gotten really good at stopping the conversation before it gets to that point because I know if it gets further than that, I will not be in an okay

00:36:16.040 - 00:36:34.760

situation. So, learning my own boundaries, doing my best to respect my own boundaries has been the way I've been able to maintain what I consider to be a good, healthy—not deep, not vulnerable, but good and healthy relationship with my parents.

00:36:37.020 - 00:36:48.780

EM: Yeah, I think boundaries with parents are just kind of strange because it can take time EM: to realize that it's okay to set those. EM: Just because like, I mean th-they're your parents, so it feels a little strange. EM: Yeah, it's good that you're—you've learned how to set them.

00:36:49.710 - 00:37:06.080

WY: I think it's also because, I don't know if it's with like my personal WY: circumstance of like, not only my parents being immigrants, but my-me WY: also being an immigrant. WY: Because I was so hyper-aware of how much sacrifice they

00:37:06.080 - 00:37:20.030

WY: had to do and really how much they struggled in order to build a life for us WY: here, I almost felt like I owed it to them to WY: not have boundaries. WY: And to be there for them in any capacity they needed

00:37:20.600 - 00:37:36.410

WY: because of what they gave to me, if that makes sense. WY: It took a while for me to realize that I didn't consent to that in the WY: first place. So, therefore, I'm not–I'm not—there's not WY: this debt that I owe.

00:37:36.440 - 00:37:52.160

WY: But I-I would say that's a quite recent realization I've WY: had. EM: Yeah. I think, yeah, those realizations definitely come with time. EM: And I mean, yeah, you were just a kid and even now you're–you're only 22, so like,

00:37:52.460 - 00:38:07.010

EM: you have [WY: Crazy.] a long way to go. WY: I have a long way to go. WY: I'm sure–I'm sure my relationship with my parents WY: will evolve even more as I

00:38:07.010 - 00:38:20.050

WY: get older. EM: Yeah, I think with each year, just like more and more realizations are gonna come. WY: Yeah. Sometimes in the middle of the night. EM: So, those are all the questions I have prepared.

00:38:20.560 - 00:38:36.390

EM: But do you have any follow-up questions that–that you EM: want to deal with or like any other input? EM: [WY: Um.] EM: And it's okay if not, as well.

00:38:36.390 - 00:38:51.010

EM: [WY: I don't think so.] Well, thank you so much, Wanqi. EM: It's been really nice talking to you. EM: Just, not only as your friend, but just like, I don't know, just EM: hearing–hearing, like, the lore, I guess [laughs].

00:38:51.280 - 00:39:01.690

WY: My lore [laughs]. EM: Yeah. It's been really nice and really illuminating. EM: And yeah, have a great rest of your night. WY: Thanks. Thanks so much.

00:39:01.930 - 00:39:04.030

EM: All right. Bye-bye. WY: Bye.